I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Seriously. No. Im breaking out in hives. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. You may not see the rewards right away. She wasnt responding to the father though. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. You can see it in the fighting. Blow out the torches! Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . Nope, not from Scranton. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3','ezslot_1',103,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-medrectangle-3-0'); My daughter seems to resent my husband, and my husband just doesnt seem to know how to connect with her. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. There are many things I love about my husband. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. It sounds like your husband feels really left out and is more just reacting than being proactive about changing things. Yes! Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Are they driven by some internal fear or do they just get off on the game? When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. I think you are probably right. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. 1. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. And musicals should be revered as an art form. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Most certainly. As always, your anonymity is golden. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. I was thinking this too. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. A good game will bring out the competitiveness in everyone. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Why are we judging other peoples interests? My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. Did he take me out to Madonna concerts and listen to me babble on endlessly about her latest video. Do not let that behavior continue. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. honeybeenicki Stepmothers on Strike: How Can Doing Less Save Your Marriage bittergaymark Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Well done, as always, my friend. You wouldnt even ask that of an adult; why do you expect a kid to be okay with it? However, its wife that wrote in. Really not sure why I waited so long. The meaning of driving a car in a dream - WellBeing Magazine Um, no. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. bittergaymark June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. lets_be_honest I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. Your email address will not be published. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. So how did she find out about it? Is it forcing or is it parenting? I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. When they are able to see the. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. Weird. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. How are those pre-teen interests? Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. Older and (hopefully) wiser FUCK BOARD GAMES. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. I have to agree. temperance I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. From one mom to another. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. Is there a middle ground? Also, by disparaging the hobbies of the daughter, he is also disparaging his wifes interests. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. But yes, to all of it. We were so thrilled. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Mommy and daddy love each other. Mother of a Fangirl. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. By contrast, my dad wanted me to play softball and had no interest in the books I used to read. I hiked and canoed. And he is a loyal friend. You just have to learn to ignore that. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. Great suggestion! The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. WOW! I was like 7.) lets_be_honest What is this site, a Masters program? Your well-intended desires to connect in rational and predictable ways gave way to superstitious behaviors: "If I just pay close enough attention to all the previous interactions, I can control the outcome by doing everything just right. Like making sure the sun comes up by accurately participating in the correct rituals. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? lets_be_honest I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. Liquid Luck It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. I take little credit for how lucky I am. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. She played Meribor (spelling.) If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. He was much kinder to them.) I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. Required fields are marked *. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. My mom is super-duper awesome. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Dream! I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. Can I get a 'corona divorce' from my quarantined family? lets_be_honest However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? Exposure to anything is great for children. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! Spyglassez You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. He. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. What to Do When Your Ex Undermines Your Authority You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult.