Present your own 'Carnac the Magnificent' jokes - able2know If you are of a certain age, you might yet remember Carnac the Magnificent, a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock. New York Yankees vs Boston Red Sox Box Score: May 30, 1961 One of Johnny's best-loved characters was Carnac the Magnificent. Actually, I have to admit reading it in the book "Superman: Last Son ofKrypton" (which is [very] loosely based on the movie) in which Lex Luthor(responding to the question "You told me your second favorite pastime.What's first?") Get Image Page 2 of 4 A: Ultra-conservative. Is that about right, sir? A: "Follow the yellow brick road." Or fastest delivery Mon, Mar 6 . TORCH: Torah Weekly Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th. Comedic Curses - Google Groups A: Executive action. Its hard to divine when you cant see. More Quotes from Carnac the Magnificent show! Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar? Get Image May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair. In fact, had Bilaam been successful in his attempt to curse us, the Jewish people would have been destroyed, G-d forbid. The one that had McMahon and Carson nearly rolling on the floor with sustained laughter was Sis boom bah. pants. Food is produced in abundance with machines that allow just a few people to operate massive farms with ease. The Question: What is the only kind of science the president, the CDC, the FDA, Fauci, Big Pharma, and the media use to promote their COVID agendas? Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop? . Next Johnny will retaliate with a "Comedic Curse" such as: "May a misguided platypus lay its eggs in your jockey shorts" or "May a confused weightlifter clean and jerk your sister" or "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits" which sometimes gets more of a laugh than the entire Carnac routine previous. After reading the answer, scroll down for the punch line and laughter. Q: What's a rude thing to say when you're dropping a bomb The Phantom of the Opera, The Lion King, and Donald Trumps mouth. May your platform shoes fail you in a camel pasture. Introducing: Carnac the Magnificent grenade? 200 views, 3 upvotes. Wilbur, Orville, and Wright. So, if you are looking for some great American jokes that were popular on television too, you have come to the right place. Q: What do you call a sadistic tailor? She said, Why didnt you go around me?. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. The best alternative is Screenkey, which is both free and Open Source.Other great apps like Carnac are Key'n'Stroke , KeyCastr, KeyPress OSD and Mousepos. Function: require_once. NO ONE [at this shout, Carnac always acts startled] knows the contents of these envelopes but you, in your mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before heard the questions. Line: 68 (Original post) Gladys Knight and the Pips. A: The Loch Ness Monster. hair". Ron Toth, Jr., Proprietor 72 Charles Street Rochester, New Hampshire 03867-3413 Phone: 1-603-335-2062 Email: ron.toth@timepassagesnostalgia.com CARNAC: May the swami of Bagdad squat on your fez. May a love -starved fruit-fly molest your sister's nectarines. and Supermanreplies "Johnny Carson, 1967" to which Lex remarks "Right. A: The Sugarland Express. A: Flyswatter. If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesnt have a prescription. This one appears on a fortune file on our VAX/VMS: From a very old song that I cannot remember anything about (please don't, May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop. sister. A: Mount Baldy. Paul Rosenzweig, George Washington University law professor and former deputy assistant secretary for policy in the Department of Homeland Security, told Yahoo News via email it reminded him of Johnny Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent" sketch "where he knows the . A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. The Answer: The Senate Intelligence Committee. Q: How do you get it? Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker? A: Planter's Punch. A: That darn cat. Carnac the Magnificent Wikipedia Republished // WIKI 2 The Temple was destroyed, and Israel was left with neither kings nor kingdom. These jokes aren't mine, copyright on them is held by the Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby. The Answer: Under Willie Brown and through Joe Bidens colon. . Q: Name two countries and a luncheon special at the NBC A: Fun with Dick and Jane. The Question: Describe how marriage is a 3-ring circus? , The Question: Name a good local divorce law firm. A: Eleven. Johnny Carson: Self - Host, Carnac the Magnificent Question Man. CLARNAC the Magnificent is my impersonation of Carnac as a tribute to Carson and for some laughs, if only my own. Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? ANSWER: Nestea Plunge. [+6] - George - 11/14/2011 Answer: A goober, a cruller, and OmSigDavid. A: Rocky, Network and The Silver Streak. Box 4, Folder 46. Johnny Carson "Carnak The Magnificent" One Liners. Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man yell when he hears flushing? A: SAG Strike. The curse concept was created by "Tonight Show" head writer and Woody Allen collaborator Marshall Brickman. Return to Carnac the Vote Devining Consultant Page The Question: Name three forms of identification when applying for welfare. Line: 192 Of course, our good friend the Serpent is still crawling around on his belly just as he was cursed to do (see Genesis 3:14), and thats not going to change anytime soon. The Question: What instructions do you get when your proctologist used to be a photographer? (crowd cheers). Q: How would a wino see the three musketeers. Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand? Contents Audience reaction played a major role in the skit. Q: What noise does Mr. McMahon's liver make? A: Around the world in 80 days. One of those that I remember was "May a diseased yak marry your sister!" "May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup." A: Rosy red cheeks. The Johnny Carson Show. Q: What does Zsa Zsa Gabor call the center of a church? A: Black and white and twenty feet tall. Line: 107 , The Question: What is the name the new Disney fat stripper movie. A: The Laughing Policeman. Q: What's a drink made with dry sack and prune juice? , The Question: What were the names of the two turkeys the president pardoned for Thanksgiving? CARNAC: May your favorite aunt develop a crust on her hip. A: Pillbury cooking contest, a spasm of the diaphragm and A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G. This is seriously one of the best pranks ever! ANSWER: Blazing Saddles. Welcome once again, O Great Sage. ", Robert Bickford (r@well.uucp)================================================| I doubt if these are even my own opinions. [applause]. Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. 42 Photos Capture The Art Of Cool - msn.com Then, he would read the question: What does an alligator get on welfare? Some of the jokes were feeble, and McMahon used pauses after terrible puns and audience groans to make light of Carsons lack of comic success (Carnac must be used to quiet surroundings), prompting Carson to return an equal insult. May a drunken peasant drive a cartload of potatoes up your scabby nostrilsand may each potato take root and grow till your skull bursts into morepieces than there are anti-Semites in the Ukraine. Carnac the Magnificent: Three Dog Night & Mount Baldy on - YouTube says "Having an unclean yak sit on my dinner." Q: What do you call it when old topless dancers refuse to Q: Where will the president of NBC be working soon? Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts. A: Mop and Glow. Another ancient Biblical curse that seems to have reverted back to normal is Noahs curse of his son Ham that his descendants (who lived in Africa) shall be slaves to the descendants of Shem and Japheth (who lived in Europe and Asia) - see Genesis 9:25 as slavery in the modern area has been virtually abolished, and even racial discrimination has been greatly diminished thanks to the Civil Rights movement. Ed: (Ed points to the nearest exit and hands Clarnac the first envelop and says) Envelop number 1. A: All the President's men. A: Grape Nuts. . A: The American people. juice? Towering Inferno. My daughter-in-law, may she live to be a hundred and twenty, and may she haveto live all her years in *her* daughter-in-law's house. CARNAC: May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your Q: Name a Kristofferson. Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to hitchike with? The Answer: Sinking faster than the Titanic. knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your divine and borderline mystical way will ascertain the questions having never before seen the answers. In article <10@udenva.UUCP> sho@udenva.UUCP (Mr. Blore) writes. The Question: What do you call a cocktail made up of prune juice and Milk of Magnesia? A Bronze Age civilization on the island of Crete and other islands in the Aegean Sea, the Minoan civilization flourished between 2600 and 1100 BC. . They've been kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls' porch since noon today. A: Sissss, Boooom, Baaaaah! The crowd is hostile. , The Question: Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were in Congress. She was cursed to have pain during pregnancy, childbirth, and raising the children (see Genesis 3:16), yet the pains of pregnancy and childbearing have been significantly eased in our times thanks to modern medicine and inventions like the epidural anesthetic. Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be? A. Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo. "Johnny: "It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their ownpockets. A: Supervisor. The Question: Name a drink made up of 7-Up and prune juice. CARNAC: May you be forced to visit a near-sighted A: The diamond lane. A: "Sorry bub, no pub." A: Mr. Coffee. A: Damnation Alley. Q: What instrument does a doctor use to examine your A: 2001. Page, Return to Carnac the Vote Devining Consultant Page. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Q: What's the major cause of divorce? Q: Name a chimp, a champ and a chump. A: Madame Kitty. "carnac the magnificent" Memes & GIFs. Im Carnac had a trademark entrance in which he always turned the wrong direction when coming onstage and then tripped on the step up to Johnny Carsons desk during his 30-year run on the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-1992). dee? Unfortunately, as I age but my clients don't, more and more of them . No one knows the contents of A: "Here's Boomer." [2] As Allen acknowledged in his book The Question Man, this bit had been created in Kansas City in 1951 by Bob Arbogast and used on The Tom Poston Show in New York where it eventually ended up on The Steve Allen Show, much to the surprise of both Arbogast and Allen. carnac the magnificent curses A: Deep freeze. Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up!! 2004 upper deck baseball cards. Large Old Johnny Carson King of the Night Pin Back Button A: Blazing Saddles. In article <12@gitpyr.UUCP> gra@gitpyr.UUCP (Mark W Fouraker) writes: Paddy Chayevsky's "The Tenth Man" contains several curses on daughters-in-law. A: David Frost. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically"divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. , The Question: What is the official state bird of Mississippi? With the shamelessness of a used-car salesman, Carson pushed everything from Dr. Pepper to hemorrhoid cream with a Shakespearian twist. Necessity dictates the insertion of an appropriate disclamatory proclamation into this section of this missive, both for assuredness of legality, and to satisfy my lust for bombast. A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. The answer was always an outrageous pun. The Answer: Noah Daniels and Little Mort. (Wait for it! A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder. Unable to come to an agreement over alimony, God intervenes to help Adam and Eve divvy up their marital belongings. It was named in honor of the ancient Hagia Sophia in Constantinople and played a crucial role . , The Question: Why didnt Mrs. Franklin have any kids? , The Question: How do you say Fauci in Mandarin? A: Pot luck. The Answer: DOJ-CIA-NSA-IRS-AOC-FBI-BIDEN. Get Image May your only daughter take up with a yak of another faith. A: Sanford and Son and Ed McMahon. Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak. Forum Novelties. Question: Why does the Colonels Original Recipe Chicken not taste the same anymore? The curses were basically middle eastern curses and would not be considered politically correct today. The Question: What does Stacy Abrams call Tuesday? The character was taken from Steve Allen's essentially identical "Answer Man" segment, which Allen performed during his tenure as host of The Tonight Show in the 1950s. 1981 | TV-14 | CC. Q: Name the only three things you can afford to eat How to Curse in Yiddish} by Joe Singer.Some of my favorites: May you sweat in labor a hundred and sixty years, then give birth to anice turle-hedgehog-porcupine. Check the NSFW checkbox to enable not-safe-for-work images. Clarnac: May a toothless holy man give your grandmother a hickey. ANSWER: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. I just got a new DVD, and I am really excited about it, but I miss my childhood a little bit I guess. If a joke (often a very bad pun) generated a negative response, Carnac would give a disapproving look, then cast a comedic "Middle Eastern curse" upon the audience (such as "May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week", "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi", "May you walk a mile under a diseased camel", "May a demented deer lock horns with your daughter's Kawasaki", "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person seated next to me, and may his arms be too short to scratch", "May a diseased camel be sick on your prayer rug", or "May your proctologist be a frustrated concert trombonist"). . [+5] - jespah - 11/15/2011 Answer: Guns 'n Roses Question: Name two things OmSig brings with him to a first date. Q: Where won't you see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor? Hand made. Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors. Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be? . Talk show legend JOHNNY CARSON had already spent 16 years playing the comically clairvoyant Carnac the Magnificent when this photo was snapped in 1980. The Question: Name a clock, a jock, and a crock. folks who ran "The Tonight Show" in the 70's. I'm being held prisoner on a God-forsaken island! Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? Function: _error_handler, Message: Invalid argument supplied for foreach(), File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/user/popup_modal.php share. eyes? The Question: What do you call a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary? Johnny Carson fans: Do you have a favorite "Carnac The Magnificent" joke? Q: How do you introduce your cat to a weeping willow? And I enjoyed every single minute of it.. Q: What have the oil companies given our wildlife? Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper? Amazon's Choice for carnac hat. Carnac The Magnificent Johnny Carson GIF - Tenor Clarnac: (Glares at Ed) Clarnac is supposed to be the funny guy. Q: Who are the candidates for mayor of Los Angeles? The Answer: Dr. Ben Casey, Dr. James Kildaire, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Marcus Welby, Granny Moses (Beverly Hills) and Dr. Anthony Fauci. A: Pat and Debby Boone. I remember two of his classic curses: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits! and May a diseased yak drop dead on your front lawn!. Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk. "You Light Up My Life.". Screenkey. The Great Carnac! (hat-making Tutorial & Video of Skit) I have been collecting records, CDs and DVDs. In article <42@kestrel.ARPA> t@kestrel.ARPA writes: > Comedic or not, "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits" is. A: Kris Kristofferson Q: Describe Raymond Burr's undershorts. Q: What's the name of a drink made with beer and prune CARNAC: May your wife give mouth-to-mouth resusitation to shorts. Flashback Friday: Heeeere's Carnac! | National Enquirer On Johnny Carsons second to last show, triple threat Bette Midler sang a few songs to commemorate Carsons departure from television. A: England, France and Greece. Only Johnny Carson could make the commercialization of Shakespeare funny. Internet Forwards In the end, Eve not only gets a rib she gets everythingleaving Adam leafless and alone! Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man have when he sleeps? Johnny Carson entertained audiences for 30 years as the host of The Tonight Show. From Carnac the Magnificent to his very close encounter with a python, heres our list of Carsons greatest moments. , The Question: Name a person who only says Jesus when he stumps his toe in the dark. The Question: How much is Oprah Winfrey worth? Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? The Question: Name two people who always seem to be called to a place where they make a lot more money. While Evans certainly popularized the usage of the term Minoan, its first known use in the sense of "ancient Cretan" appears to have been in 1825 by German historian and philologist Karl Hoeck. Ed McMahon would hand Carson a series of envelopes containing questions, said to have been hermetically sealed and kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnallsporch since noon today.. View all. Although Bilaams curses were many, all of the other curses - save the one for Houses of Prayer and Study - eventually came to pass. This is a very exciting evening for us at ______________________. Well, as it turns out, Parshas Balak starts off with this wicked king named Balak trying to get this wicked mystic named Bilaam to cast a curse upon the Jewish people. Carson . A: Ninety-nine and nine-tenths. Adam was cursed By the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread (see Genesis 3:19), yet today most people no longer must labor and sweat tirelessly just to eat. A: Kaleidoscope. Hoffa. ", "Sis boom bah." Today, that number is 1 in nearly 50,000 in many Western countries! The Question: What is Pete Buttigiegs favorite planet? kaleido? ED: Certainly worth waiting for Kentucky: The state that is being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the 20th century. There are more than 10 alternatives to Carnac for Mac, Windows, Linux and Xfce. So how does this connect to the weekly Torah portion, you ask? Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something? CARNAC: May your desert pension fund be managed by Jimmy 4.0 out of 5 stars Great for Carnac The Magnificent. Q: What happens when your lorne rots? The Answer: Sam Quint, Jonah, and Osama Bin Laden. Carnac: May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your underpants. Scope and Content Script (Annotated "Ray") Box 4, Folder 44. nowadays. McMahon's closing announcement "I hold in my hand the last envelope" was always met with a loud cheer, prompting one final "curse". Carnac the Magnificent: [Opening envelope] What's the first thing you do when you hold up a liquor store? Lot Closed - Sold Price: Estimate: $ 400 - $ 600. Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Johnny Carson Carnac the Magnificent replica prop hat. Hand made Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Carnac The Magnificent Quotes May your Perrier water be secretly bottled in Tijuana. Carnac The Magnificent undated. , The Question: What is Bill OReillys latest book in his Killing Series? As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. A: Timbuktoo. A long running bit on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show.Carson would appear in a turban and cloak as "Carnac the Magnificent" . Q: Name a Chinese diet doctor. Story. A: Igloo. There are a couple of ideas I've had to make this and I'm not sure which one would work best - and possibly there are other . A: Black feet. Q: What's the only thing President Carter didn't promise puppies and red-eye gravy. CARNAC: May a crazed sultan force you into mouth-to-mouth Carnac the Magnificent - Alchetron, The Free Social Encyclopedia Zippo? Q: Name a bake-off, a hiccough and a ripoff. A: The CIA. , The Question: What new rap tune has replaced Hail to the Chief as the presidents walk-up song? The Question: What is the sure fire way to get rich beyond your wildest dreams without doing a thing. Star Paths Likely Guided Minoan Culture | Ancient Origins RMMD: And so the "Buck and Truck Cursed Swinger Saga" begins. The Question: Name one of Washington DCs many famous oxymorons. MORE OF THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT. QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his -- -------------------------------------------------------------"they forcibly extracted the word 'but' from his vocabulary, and locked him in a room with 10 economists"-------------------------------------------------------------. Are you sure you want to cancel your membership with us? plunger. A: Lo-fat. Next. questions having never This crowd is tougher than a camel pot roast. (Dr. Wuhan) , The Question: What is Kamala Harris approval rating? carnac the magnificent curses ED: I liked that but I seem to be the only one. Q: Where should you address all your mail? Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H? , The Question: How did Clarnacs wife lose 240 pounds of unwanted fat? johnny carson Memes & GIFs - Imgflip May the bird of paridise fly up your noseMay an elephant caress you with its toesMay your wife be plaqued with runners in her hoseMay the bird of paridise fly up your nose, Ron Williams (not Tom Nadas, but an incredible simulation)--, UUCP: {decvax,linus,ihnp4,uw-beaver,allegra,utzoo}!utcsri!tomCSNET: tom@toronto, "Look over there, a dry ice factory. Message: Undefined variable: user_membership, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/user/popup_modal.php CARNAC: May a carsick mongoose change the color of your Johnny Carson fans: Do you have a favorite "Carnac The Magnificent Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches Return to Political Humor Q: How do you spell kkkirsucla? Clarnac: This crowd was applaud for a train wreck. On one occasion frequently rebroadcast on anniversary shows, Carson's desk was replaced with a lightweight balsa-wood version; this allowed Carson to trip and smash through it. Q: What does Billy Carter eat on a sesame-seed bun? Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team? a #2 mayonnaise I'm Carnac had a trademark entrance in which he always turned the wrong direction when coming onstage and then tripped on the step up to Johnny Carson 's desk during his 30-year run on the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-1992). Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, Q: What's the name of a drive-in massage parlor? A: Never on Sunday. The Question: Whats the difference between a dollar bill and LeBron James? After Carnac said an answer, McMahon would frequently repeat it in a booming voice ostensibly as a help to the audience setting up a sneer, putdown, or some other comic reaction from Carson. The Answer: Kids, drunk people and tight yoga pants. Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your A: Rub-a-dub-dub. The Question: What are Kim Kardashians measurements? Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? Margaret's door? Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. . May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair. A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign The "Carnac the Magnificent" segments were always good for laughs, from the moment "Carnac" entered the studio and walked off in the wrong direction, then corrected himself only to trip on the step at the edge of the set at the beginning of every segment. Function: _error_handler, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/page/index.php us? Kitchy-Kitchy? . The Answer: Hes 97 and we dont know where the hell he is. Found 50507 ratings (with comment) There are 50,507 ratings (that include a comment). . As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape. Line: 315 . seats. Q: Describe Mrs. Stillman on a bus that doesn't make rest Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages? CARNAC: May a weird holy man use a Black and Decker tool on A: Lorne Green. In 1987, Myrtle Young came on The Tonight Show to show off her rare collection of potato chips. A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea. A: Skalliwags. Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper? Q: What is it that Ronald Reagan keeps trying to hide? Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.One of Carson's most well known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the east" who could psychically "divine" unseen answers to unknown questions.
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